Three kids under five: everything you need to know

I’ve been living with three kids under five for a while and when I am out with all of them people ask. How is life with three children close in age? My oldest turned 5 recently, and now I can recapitulate.

Let me start by saying that this is not a competition or comparison. Sometimes, these labels “2 under 2”, “3 kids 4 and under”, “3 under 5” and so on feel like some secret competition. I think two years is the perfect age gap between children in my family, and I have been so lucky to have three kids under five.

Having children is not an accomplishment. Doing your best to take good care of them is. And sometimes, the more children you have, and the closer in age they are, the more difficult it appears to other people.

There are many other factors that can make your life much easier or much more difficult with three under five.

But I have been in the position of wondering what my hypothetical future family life would look like. So let me share what life with three under five has been like for me.

I assume that many people would be thinking about having a third baby close in age to their first two and may want to know about someone else’s experience.

Disclaimer: I have three healthy kids and a year of maternity leave. The two older ones don’t go to school, but they spend three hours in some kind of daycare. We have a very privileged situation in many ways. And I don’t think my experience could be relatable to someone that has to do all of it without the help of an immensely active partner.

On the other hand, and as some people in our lives like to put it, we “make our life harder” in other ways. We all sleep in the same bed, I have been tandem breastfeeding for years, we have moved internationally three times in the last three years, we are immigrants… We have lived some challenges, like everyone else.

What is life with three under five like?

Three babies in 4 years take a lot of energy out of you. Physical, mental and emotional. Three under five is hard. Not impossibly hard. Not bad. Just hard.

Someone always needs you. The little baby needs you all the time. You know that already.

What happens when you have a third baby and you are still busy with little ones is that the baby becomes an extension of one of the parents, not the center of everyone’s attention.

In my case, I’m one with my baby, and dad does more outings with “the big ones” than I do at the moment.

For me, spending time with the older two while being really engaged, present, and enjoying their company has been challenging.

Sometimes, it feels like my baby’s only mine. I’m the one taking care of him all the time except when someone else needs me all to themselves.

So I find myself spending time with the two oldest while the little one sleeps in the carrier or breastfeeds. Sometimes I’m emotionally tired and it’s difficult to be with them enthusiastically.

For their dad, it’s not easy to take care of two little kids almost always at the same time while also treating them as individuals.

However, my two older children are amazing at being with each other. They don’t seem to have any problem being always like a little package deal.

They are over each other all the time. We supervise them very closely to make sure that we help them keep the peace if they need help. But they never fight, so we don’t have to solve big problems, just a little bit of preventive emotional work.

And the baby’s a dream. He’s super chill. Always attached to me and always happy, as long as he’s attached to me.

As for us the parents, we are focusing on our family and it’s been difficult to do anything else.

Siblings relationships with three under five

Since the two older ones are always with each other and don’t remember life without the other one, they think they are twins.

The oldest was old enough to be excited when the baby came. Now, since he already adores his little brother, the only feelings he has for the baby are love, adoration, and pride.

The middle one, however, seems more indifferent to the baby. Sometimes, he imitates his big brother. He gives the baby kisses and takes care of him in his own toddlery ways, but I can see that their relationship will have to develop when they are both a little older as it happened with the big ones.

The baby adores them both equally, though. He is the happiest, smiliest, more excited when he is around his brothers or even when he passively watches them play.

Parents’ relationships with three under five

We don’t have time to talk during the day. We are an amazing team. We coordinate, plan, and support each other during the day. But only in relation to our roles as parents.

We can’t talk to each other about that conversation we had with a stranger, our dreams, and our needs. From the moment we wake up to the moment they go to bed, it’s all about being a team of parents to make sure family life is peaceful and beautiful that day.

When everyone is asleep, it’s time to tidy up to make sure we start fresh tomorrow. And we both have our own projects.

By the time we can afford to enjoy each other, sometimes it’s too late and we don’t have any energy left.

On the other hand, this intense season of life is building our appreciation for each other.

As they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I think that is what’s happening with our relationship.

What are the abilities of a four-year-old?

Most four-year-old kids are out of diapers and can clean and dress themselves. They are able to know when they are hungry or thirsty and prepare some simple snacks.

They can express their emotions, have empathy for others and resolve some conflicts without help.

They can go to bed on their own and sleep through the night. They can have an afternoon nap.

By the time they are four, the tantrums and meltdowns are very sporadic.

A four-year-old can be fairly independent and helpful, and although they need a lot of love and attention, they don’t need the constant physical touch that babies and toddlers need.

They can understand when they need to be quiet and not wake the baby, they can wait for your attention for some minutes while you tend to the baby.

What are the abilities of a two-year-old?

Some two-year-old kids are able to go to the bathroom by themselves. They need some help to clean and dress themselves. They can ask for help, food, and water.

Two-year-olds can sleep through the night but not all of them do. They can need help falling asleep but they don’t wake up as much as babies. Most two-year-olds need a nap in the afternoon.

They can express their emotions sometimes but they are not very good at controlling their reactions to those emotions. They can have tantrums and meltdowns often.

Two-year-olds still need you to pick them up, carry them and help them up and down the stairs. They need lots of touches and physical assistance for a lot of things.

Toddlers can’t be expected to have a lot of patience to wait for you to take care of the baby first. Some of them are quiet, but you can’t ask a loud toddler to be quiet for long.

How can you make life with three under five more manageable?

Prioritize and ask for help

In which ways? It depends on what’s important for you.

For us, the relationships we have with each other are the most important thing. So we don’t feel guilty for ordering pizza if that is what it takes for us to feel like we are being graceful with each other.

We would rather have a peaceful day than a perfect meal or a tidy house.

This sounds a little obvious, but when I say we have a messy house, believe me.

Ask for help with the things that are not important enough for you to do yourselves. For instance, my parents visit every two weeks and find a huge pile of laundry that they help us with. We will hire someone to help us with cleaning very soon.

But we don’t think our children need to spend any more than three hours in kindergarten, even if that’d be easier for us.

Good food is very important, but not all meals need to be homemade. If we find cooking at home difficult enough to make us cranky and stressed we can buy some things already made that are also really good.

Our own fitness is not important right now, but our mental health is both important and fragile, so we try to eat food that is good enough for our health.

Spend time outside and socialize

Kids mellow down when they spend time in nature. Parents can relax when their kids mellow down.

If you don’t have a yard, find a park close by that is safe enough for you to let them be without any more supervision than making sure they don’t leave the park without you.

Spending time outside in a safe natural environment will make everyone in the family less stressed out and more relaxed.

How to prepare for three under five

Take good care of your body, mind, and soul

Your body and mind and heart are going to be pouring energy into your littles for years.

You can’t afford to not take care of yourself in any way that you find manageable. If you are the one carrying babies and giving birth especially, having three babies in 4 years is no joke.

Try to eat good food, try to move your body a little bit, and try to socialize with people that make you feel good. All of it without obsessing over it.

Taking care of yourself is not an item on your to-do list. You don’t write “breath, eat, drink, pee, shit, and sleep” in your to-do list. Don’t stress over self-care.

Focus on siblings’ relationships

Having the two older kids be very good with each other allows for a peaceful life. Peace is your best gift when you have three under five.

I find that the energy you put in during your first years as a parent pays off. You create a family dynamic that is very stable.

If you never yell at your kids, you just never do, it’s easy. If they are good with each other, they won’t suddenly hate the baby, they will love them. There is no other option in their minds, it’s natural.

When the baby comes, they are going to adore them in the same way they adore each other. Here are some ideas on how to encourage kindness between siblings.

And if they have a good relationship and are good at solving their own disagreements, you will be able to let them play together without constant supervision.

They say siblings are the best babysitters.

If you need some ideas, here are some great activities to promote sibling bonding.

Encourage independence

Kids are capable of some amazing things when they are consistently encouraged to do them.

The work and patience it takes to teach them new skills is nothing compared to the amount of work you are saving yourself in the future.

At some point, your little kid is developmentally ready to learn to dress themselves. They are ready, but teaching the skill is an effort on your part.

Imagine that you set the goal to teach your kid to dress themselves.

How much time is it going to take? A few weeks of consistency and patience? I don’t imagine it would take much longer. And then a couple of months of having to remind them and maybe some convincing that they actually have to do it themselves.

After that, you NEVER have to dress them again unless you want to do it as some special bonding moment.

Same with playing independently, cleaning themselves, preparing snacks, and an infinite list of life skills that kids have to learn eventually.

If you are good at consistency, you could have very independent toddlers when your little one arrives. You will thank yourself.

Find a tribe

A tribe for you to keep your sanity. For you to force yourself to get out of the house and meet adults and have adult conversations with them.

Sometimes when we think of help we assume that it has to be in the form of babysitting or housekeeping.

There are many other ways in which people around you can support you.

Being a parent to three kids under five is a little isolating. It’s hard to participate much in society when you are in this particularly intense season.

Having a tribe to help you feel understood and like you are not alone in this can make life much easier, even more so than having someone clean your house.

What do you need as a mother of three under five?

Honestly, what you need as a mother of three under five is a lot of energy and as much support as you can get.

Your kids need you, and all the baby items are to make your life easier. As a mother of three little kids, there are two things that make my life much much easier: a foldable wagon to put three kids and all their stuff in, and an incredibly versatile baby carrier.

Can you have three under five without a partner?

I wouldn’t know how. Of course, people do it, and I am immensely amazed at them.

For me, three kids under five would be too much if it was just me without another very involved parent. Even more so if I didn’t have such a long maternity leave.

The future of three kids under five

What is the future of three kids under five? I don’t know. But I, like you, wondered at some point what it would be like. I googled, of course. And I found someone on Quora writing about it from the perspective of time.

I don’t know what our future will be like, but I hope it will be a little like hers.

Her children were always very close. They grew up and shared experiences when they were growing up. They bought a house together as adults and lived together for years. They have families now, they live across the street from each other and their kids are growing up as best friends. She also says it was chaotic, busy, and tough.

This dream image I had in my head before we decided to have three kids relatively close in age is the reality for a family somewhere.

Do you have three children under five years old? What is it that you love most about it?

For me, it’s watching them learn to love each other.

And the most difficult thing? For me, is not being able to talk about how difficult it is. People that have not lived it don’t always get it.