We all want our kids to be friends for life. How can we avoid sibling rivalry and constant competition to leave space for a good sibling relationship? As always, what we do and say and how we do it and say it as parents make an enormous impact on how children view each other.
Sibling rivalry is very normal in siblings that spend a lot of time together, especially if they are close in age and interests. But there are ways in which we can minimize it while still letting them grow up tightly.
The number one rule for good sibling relationships
The most important thing that we can do to create good relationships of any kind is to have a high rate of positive interactions against negative ones. 5 to 1 is a good measure but, of course, the higher the better. This rule also applies if you, as a parent, want to help your children foster a good siblings relationship.
Clearly, there are two main tasks at hand: increasing the positive interactions and decreasing the negative interactions.
Avoid sibling rivalry by reducing negative interactions
Supervise their play while they are young
When they are very young, or one of them is very young, they still haven’t learned about physical boundaries, and they don’t know not to take each other’s toys.
This means that if you leave them to play alone in an effort to create good memories and companionship, it will not work. One of them is going to want the other one’s toy, they will take it in an impulse, the other will get upset… And there you have a conflict.
If this happens many times, they will build resentment, maybe they will start to hit each other. It is much better to never let the hitting happen than it is to try to correct it once it has happened.
Instead, you can encourage them to play somehow together but with different toys and with some physical distance between them. If they love to build with LEGOs, for instance, divide the blocks into two piles and let them play each one in their space but in the same room.
Observe when one of them is getting bored and starts to invade the other’s personal space. I have found that this is when all the conflicts start. Redirect in time and you won’t have to correct later.
If you encourage this type of play while you are supervising, they will get used to sharing moments without conflict.
You can encourage them to show each other what they have built, or admire each other’s creations. But they don’t have to be close all the time sharing everything to have a tight good sibling relationship.
With time, and when they are all ready to share, they will start to play together with minimal conflicts.
Avoid comparisons
Every time you or any other person compares your children, there is one that loses and another one that gets a compliment in spite of the other one feeling lesser, probably the little one.
This is bad for everyone. We all should learn to value ourselves for what we are. We should be able to decide our worth intrinsically, and also independently of other people.
You can point out the good things about each of your kids individually and correct them when they need to be corrected.
Encouraging them to encourage each other will also teach them that someone else’s wins are also our wins.
Avoid competition
Competition leads to comparison always. By avoiding comparison, you will avoid sibling rivalry.
So if there is a situation that you know is going to lead to competition, try to talk about a solution that is good for everyone beforehand.
Let us say, for example, that you are going on vacation, and they are going to sleep in bunk beds. You can talk about it first and see if they both want the same one. If they do, encourage them to find a solution that will be good for everyone. Guide the conversation so that finding a solution doesn’t end up in competition again. You can give them ideas, like letting one have the odd days and the other one the even days. Or sleeping together in the same bed.
Avoid sibling rivalry by increasing positive interactions
Ask them to help each other with easy tasks
It feels a little silly, but it works.
If you ask them to take care of each other in a way that both enjoy, they will feel empowered, loved, and happy.
For example, my little one is allergic to peanuts and the big one isn’t and loves peanut butter and jam sandwiches. So sometimes I ask my oldest to prepare two sandwiches for him and his little brother. One with peanut butter and the other with almond butter. And I tell him it is very important that he uses different knives to spread the two kinds of butter and I tell him “Please, it is very important that he doesn’t eat your sandwich, ok? I will trust that you will take care of him by not letting him eat your sandwich.”
Can you imagine how proud A is to take care of his little brother V by making him food and not letting him eat his? And how his little brother feels when A goes to him with a delicious almond butter and jam sandwich, one of his favorites?
The other way around, we ask V if he wants to rinse A‘s hair (with his permission) while they are bathing. This is obviously super fun for a baby and makes the big one feel taken care of. We aren’t going to ask him to brush it, though. That would end badly.
Go on fun outings that both enjoy
Create special memories of special days that you spend as a family. Try to find places or experiences that you know both are going to enjoy.
You can go camping, or to the beach, and also build a snow castle, sled on a hill, and do similarly free and simple things.
The important thing is that you try to find ways in which both can enjoy equally.
If one of them enjoys skiing but is much faster, for instance, you can make sure that he can have an adult with him all time so that he doesn’t have to always wait for the small one. Or you can pull the little one on a sled and that way they can both have fun but no one has to wait for the other.
Create little routines that encourage sweet memories
My kids go to the same kindergarten, and they don’t particularly like being in the car. However, they love going on the bike trailer with their dad. I mean like this one.
It is an extra effort for my husband to bike every day to drop them off, but it saves a lot of power struggles in the morning because they just love to get in the trailer. And they can enjoy a little special moment that they think is so much fun, two times a day every single weekday.
There are many opportunities to build these routines. If they love to bathe together, let them do it every day and make an effort so there are always toys to have fun, and no power struggles to get in and out. Do they love books? Then read books every day and go to the library once a week.
Don’t interrupt their happy moments
Good moments that happen naturally should be celebrated, and never interrupted. It is a general rule for other things too, like independent play or physical activity. If you want to encourage something, don’t interrupt them when they do it on their own. If them having a good sibling relationship is important to you, prioritize these moments.
This is much easier if you have a relaxed routine every day, where you plan to have plenty of time for things like leaving the house and getting ready for bed.
Let them skip the rules a little bit
This is my rule: brotherhood trumps anything (except safety and morals).
I think most of us are particularly fond of the memories of the times when we skipped the rules and had a good time. I don’t know exactly why that is, but I don’t see the problem in letting them skip the rules sometimes in favor of creating good memories.
If my kids “steal” some chocolate milk when it’s not the time but they do it together and share, I’m going to act like I didn’t see it. If they stay up late because they are having fun playing together, it’s fine. I will happily clean the mess if they suddenly decide to bring some snow inside to keep playing with it together.
Talk about feelings to each child individually
Talking about feelings will help our children understand themselves and other people better, thus improving all of their relationships with adults and other children as well, including their siblings.
Also, having good relationships is a proven way to be happy. And happy children that feel loved have no reason to feel jealous or competitive towards their siblings.
Show love to your little children to avoid sibling rivalry
There are many different ways of showing love to little children. Each child is different and is going to receive love in a different way.
Children need to be loved and FEEL loved. If you are not sure of how to show love to your little children to make them feel loved, here is a list of 25 ways.
Having your children feel that there is no threat to your love and understanding is a sure way to avoid sibling rivalry.
Please share other ways in which you foster a good sibling relationship between your children.
