How to split the attention between children so they always feel loved and heard

When you have more than one child, you learn to juggle. You have to split the attention between children, and it is not easy. Children, and particularly young children, seem to need 100% of your attention 100% of the time. If you have two or more children, at some point you learn to split the attention between children in a way that they all feel they are getting 100% of you.

I have bad news: dividing your attention causes stress. Excuse me if it was obvious. Multitasking is supposed to make you feel like you are stretched out to your limit.

I find, however, that multitasking is the only way to make your children feel equally loved. And I also think that there are some ways in which you can learn to split the attention between children without juggling all the time.

Splitting the attention with a new baby

Babies need a lot of physical attention, especially from their mothers (in most cases). However, babies sleep a lot and many of the tasks of early motherhood can be mindless.

So it is not impossible to give your newborn everything they need while also giving your older kids the mental and emotional attention they need, even if they are needy spirited toddlers.

Babywearing is a wonderful thing. Being able to breastfeed in a baby carrier will make you a superhero. Take a look at my list of the 5 best baby carriers for breastfeeding while babywearing.

It is easier to split the attention between children when one of them is a baby. And it is a good practice for the future.

Multitask the right things

Multitasking is stressful, but there are some little things that can be done mindlessly if you set yourself and your home up for it.

I don’t think you can change a diaper and read to your toddler at the same time. Not sustainable. But some things are easier to do at the same time than it is to do them one after the other.

For instance, making dinner has to be something that you do mindfully, but you can include all of your kids in the act of making dinner without having to pay much attention to them.

You can carry your baby while you cook, set your toddler in a learning tower next to you, and have them eat or prepare a small snack.

If you have a mental list of about 5 healthy snacks that your toddler can prepare for himself, you make sure you always have them on hand, and you do this every single day, you will create a family routine around dinnertime that will make everyone feel included.

After a couple of weeks, your toddler will know exactly what to do when you tell him it is time to make dinner. He will be entertained, quiet, and happily eat their snack.

Your baby will be used to this time too. And you can focus on cooking dinner while they think you are spending time with them.

Try to focus on one child at a time

When it comes to connecting with people, two plus two is not always equal to four. It is not the same to spend 2 hours of being half present than one hour fully present.

It is much better to be completely focused on each one for short moments than to be always distracted by a million different things.

We obiously can’t be focusing solely on one child all the time. However, we can try to be fully present more often than not.

For example, if the baby is asleep and only needs to be held, you can pay real attention to the older child. Look at them when they talk, ask them how they feel, be interested in conversation.

And when the baby needs to sleep, set up something entertaining for the older child so that you can look at the baby, rock them or breastfeed them to sleep with our heart and our eyes on the baby.

Teach your children to not need your attention all the time

I would be surprised to find a mother of multiple children that hasn’t worried, many times, that she is not giving enough attention to each of their children. At the same time, when I look around me, I see most mothers engaging with their children, listening to what they say, and actively spending time with them.

I think it is more common to give our children too much attention than it is to not give them enough attention.

Children need to feel loved and supported always, but that doesn’t mean that they need mom to be looking at them, speaking to them, and listening to every thought they want to let out every single second of the day.

Being a mother of two and witnessing my children growing with each other has taught me that it is very good for children to learn to not be the center of the universe all the time.

One way to teach children to wait for your attention is to have some kind of silent code for them to tell you that they want to talk to you. We ask A to squeeze our hand when we are talking with someone and they want to say something. If we squeeze back, it means that we understood and will listen to them as soon as we are done talking with the other person.

This gives him the feeling of being heard always while also learning that he can not be interrupting when people talk and being loud to get attention.

If your toddler tells you he is hungry but you are busy changing your baby’s diaper, you can ask them to wait.

OK, you are hungry? I am busy at this exact moment. I will help you make something to eat as soon as I finish. You can start by washing your hands. I’ll be done by the time you finish.

I am very particular about not wanting to blame my being busy on the baby, or on any of the siblings.

Yes, we are busy with the baby, but if we keep saying that, our older children are going to hear “the baby’s needs are more important than yours”. They will hear this often.

However, by teaching them to wait when we are busy, with the baby or any other thing, they will get used to being heard, but not always at this exact moment. And they won’t resent their new sibling for it.

Don’t waste your energy deciding, spend it on being present

Splitting the attention between siblings is mentally exhausting. However, I don’t think we can just decide to not do it. All of our children need our attention often during the day.

But there is another thing that moms do that is exhausting and we can avoid.

We decide a thousand of things all day and every day. Important things and trivial things. We decide what our children will eat, what they will wear, when to intervene, when to let them be independent. It can be a lot. Decision fatigue is a real thing.

Creating routines for everything will free you of having to make all these decisions and give you some extra energy to enjoy the moment and your children.

Maybe is not a matter of learning how to be mindfull and present for all of our children in an efficient way, but to be efficient in everything else so that we can spend our time enjoying each of our children, individually and together.

You can decide what food you will eat once a week instead of improvising every meal. Plan the activities for the week, especially if you stay at home and you are always trying to find ways to entertain yourself and your baby.

Have your whole life on autopilot and you will find yourself relieved, having much more time and energy to look at your children in the eye, listen to what they say, and engage in a meaningful way.

How do you manage to split the attention between children in your home? Have you managed at all?