For me, the perfect age gap between siblings is the one that facilitates being best friends forever but is still manageable for the parents.
Considering our parenting style, our physical and mental health, and the amount of help and community that we have, the perfect age gap between babies, for us, is about two years.
On the one hand, I have had two very complicated cesarean births, have been constantly breastfeeding for four years, tandem breastfeeding for more than a year, sleeping in a family bed, staying home with the kids, and we are immigrants with no family around us.
On the other hand, I live in a country where one salary is enough to have a simple but comfortable life, where healthcare is free, we have almost one year of 100% paid parental leave and many other things that make my family’s situation very privileged.
Because of a combination of the hard parts and the easy parts of parenting in my particular situation, I think two years is the perfect age gap between siblings.
Pros of having a two year age gap between siblings
Health reasons
It has been seen that spacing pregnancies between 18 months and 5 years is associated with fewer pregnancy complications.
This means that if you go on the lower end of this spectrum there will be a two year age gap between siblings.
Tandem breastfeeding
Tandem breastfeeding has had a very good impact on my boy’s relationship. It has created a lot of sweet moments that the three of us have shared, and it facilitated A‘s transition to becoming a big brother. Even though it is not easy, I will do it again and hope that it has the same benefits for my family again.
Here is a list of the pros and cons of tandem breastfeeding.
Less time as an only child
With a small age gap, they won’t have any memories of being an only child. They won’t have much time to get used to all the attention.
There might be a short time in the beginning when the toddler is jealous and resentful of the baby. But once that time has passed, they won’t even understand life without one another.
Being an only child has benefits, of course. The most important one is getting undivided attention from the parents. But having more than one child does not mean that you can not offer undivided attention to each child individually. It means that you have to be more mindful of giving one-on-one time.
The sleepless nights are probably over
At two years old, most kids are out of the stage where they wake up several times every night. Every child is different, but surely most kids sleep better at two years old than they do any time before that.
This means that you most likely won’t have to wake up a lot in the middle of the night with your toddler. You will only have to do that for the baby.
For me, a two year age gap between siblings has given me a couple of months of rest. I was not waking up to breastfeed and being able to sleep about eight hours every night.
It is very important that parents have enough physical, mental, and emotional energy to be the best parents they can. Sleep deprivation is terrible for you. So having some time to rest will benefit everyone in the family.
They will develop socially at a young age
The two year old might be ready from some nursery time
There is the argument about having enough attention for each child individually. However, with a big enough age gap, at two years old could be a good time for the older child to spend some time away from their parents. If the family situation allows it, of course.
I realize this is not how everyone can plan their lives, and I am sure many families have to send their small babies to childcare anyways.
However, if you have a good maternity leave, or you stay at home or work from home, you could consider whether your older child could benefit from a couple hours of childcare. If they are ready, it would give you some rest, some time to spend only with the baby, and it would be good for your toddler to learn to make friends outside of the home.
I don’t think small children need to be in childcare. I think it has good things and bad things. Childcare is mainly for both parents to be able to work, but it does have some benefits that I have considered even when one of us can always stay at home.
They will grow up together
With a two year gap between siblings, it is very likely that they can be at similar developmental stages throughout life. They will have more opportunities for shared experiences. Siblings that are close in age can grow up as a team.
They could be in the same group in kindergarten, in sports, in extracurricular activities, go to college together and even live together in their young adult years, share friends… all of these are not exclusive to siblings with a small age gap but more likely.
Practicality pros of a two year age gap
There are also some other things that are very convenient about this age gap.
With a two year age gap, hand-me-downs are going to save you a lot of money. They will be able to share most toys. Drop-offs at school are easier if they all go to the same center. They might share some friends and make playdates and little outings easier. You won’t have to plan two different activities to make each child happy. There’s probably an option that they will all enjoy. You might be lucky enough and be able to overlap their naps for a while.
Cons of having a two year age gap between siblings
A two year age gap between siblings will spread you thin
It is a lot of work. Babies and toddlers need a lot of physical, mental, and emotional attention. There are sleepless nights. Everything is an emergency when it comes to their needs. They don’t have a lot of patience and require a lot of yours.
Everyone has a limit, and maybe having kids too close together could make you reach yours. You know yourself better than anyone. If you are thinking of having another kid it is very likely that you know how it is.
A way to avoid the burnout of having young children is lowering the expectations. Make parenting easier and simplify your life. Focus on the important things and let go of the ones that are not.
Sibling rivarly
Sibling rivalry is maximized when siblings are around two years apart. Does that mean that it is not the perfect age gap between siblings? I don’t think so. There is a lot to do as a parent to avoid sibling rivalry and foster a good sibling relationship.
Fostering a peaceful loving relationship between siblings is possible. If you make it a priority, you can raise friends for life.
You can start by helping your older children to love the new baby. Always talk positively about them, show excitement, involve them.
The terrible twos
Most children go through an emotionally intense stage when they are two. They have very big feelings that they still haven’t learned how to express properly. Many two-year-olds have tantrums and meltdowns for a good season.
The good news is that these emotional hardships are good for their development. The bad news is that if they associate this time with having a new sibling, they might resent the baby.
It is very important to talk about feelings with little children to teach them to cope with emotions. And having a good strategy for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns will help you all through this time.
In any case, you can never know exactly when children are going to have a hard time with their emotions.
Practicality cons of a two year age gap
You could spend a lot of years changing diapers non-stop, using double strollers, sleeping poorly, cleaning baby gear, and all these kinds of things. One by one, they are little things. A lot of them could make parenting young children very difficult.
The perfect age gap between siblings in your family
To summarize, the perfect age gap between siblings in your family is one that is manageable for you. Your whole family will have a good chance for happiness if you are well.
Choose the minimum age gap you are happy with and start then.
Do you agree? Do you think two years is the perfect age gap between siblings?
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