Bed-sharing in a family bed: Why and How

Bed-sharing refers to sleeping next to your child in the same bed. Family bed-sharing refers to sleeping with more than one child in your bed.

Children need to feel loved and safe to thrive. Children especially but not exclusively. Would you prefer to sleep alone in your own room or would you rather sleep close to the people that you love and that love you most? Bed-sharing in a family bed is a kind, gentle and easy way to get some sleep with small children.

All families are different, all kids are different. Luckily, there are many sleeping arrangements that you can make work. My favorite happens to be bed-sharing in a family bed. Here is why and how.

Co-sleeping vs bed-sharing vs sleeping alone

Co-sleeping is sharing a room with your child, whether in the same bed or in separate beds. Bed-sharing is sleeping next to your child in the same bed.

Most people co-sleep with their baby for the first 6 months because most medical institutions advise it.

What happens when your baby doesn’t sleep unless you hold them? Some people opt for safely bed-sharing with their baby, some end up accidentally bed-sharing when they fall asleep after days of exhaustion. Some stick to sleeping in different beds and manage to sleep, some go through sleep deprivation. What happens if you want to keep sleeping with your baby after 6 months? What happens if you have two small children and they both want your attention and comfort at night?

WHY should I bed-share in a family bed?

Is a family bed healthy?

As with anything health-related, you should consult with a health professional. If they think you can bed-share, I have some arguments for it. 

The most common concern about bed-sharing is the risk of suffocation for babies. There is not enough good studies on the subject of bed-sharing with healthy babies. Not to encourage it, and not no discourage it.  

However, there is evidence on breastfeeding greatly reducing the risk of SIDS. There is a safe way to bed-share with a breastfeeding baby that lowers the risk of suffocation according to La Leche League International. So for now, each family should decide what is best for them to improve their parenting experience. And if they breastfeed, to improve their breastfeeding experience.

Safe sleep rules

La Leche Ligue International has informative articles about bed-sharing and how to safely bed-share with a breastfed baby.

These are the safe sleep 7 for bed-sharing:

• NO SMOKING: Smoking parents increases the risk of SIDS.
• NO DRUGS: The use of alcohol or other drugs can make you less alert in your sleep.
• BREASTFEEDING MOTHER: Breastfeeding mothers and babies wake up more frequently during the night.
• HEALTHY BABY: Premature and small babies are at greater risk for SIDS.
• BABY ON BACK: The safest position for sleeping is on their back.
• NO OVERHEATING: The baby should be dressed to avoid overheating.
• SAFE BED: Flat firm surface with nowhere for babies to get trapped, no bedding, pillows or other suffocation hazards close to the baby.

Advantages of cosleeping and bed-sharing with a baby

Bed-sharing babies sleep better

Does bed-sharing in a family bed help the baby sleep better? My anecdotal answer: Definitely! A baby that sleeps close to mom has his source of comfort, warmth, food, and safety by his side. When he needs a rub in the back to go back to sleep, he has it before he has time to open his eyes. He can breastfeed without being woken up and moved from their bed.

Bed-sharing parents sleep better

Parents sleep better if babies sleep better, right? The less effort it takes to put the baby back to sleep, the more time we have to keep sleeping.

Bed-sharing makes breastfeeding easier

Mothers who bed-share with their baby tend to breastfeed longer and maintain exclusive breastfeeding longer than those who do not co-sleep.

Bed-sharing can be safer

Since cosleeping often makes breastfeeding easier and breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS, cosleeping can be safer if you do it the right way. A breastfeeding co-sleeping mother usually adopts a position called cuddle curl that is protective. When sleeping in the same bed, breastfeeding mothers are more alert and responsive to the needs of their babies.

Bed-sharing encourages bonding

We know how important attachment is for small children.

Bonding with your kids will create happy independent resourceful kids. Also, some days are really stressful, some of us work endless hours and have little quality time to offer to our babies. Some of us are so tired by the end of the day that the best we can offer is a quiet cuddle to sleep.

Bed-sharing gives an extra time and opportunity to connect with the people we love.

Advantages of bed-sharing in a family bed with older kids

As I said before, most people co-sleep with their small babies, but what happens when you also have a toddler? If you have another small child, he may not be ready to sleep by himself yet, you may not be ready to have him sleep by himself yet. In this case, a family bed might be your best option.

A family bed will make everyone feel included

If you just had a baby, you will probably want to have her sleep in your room, as it is recommended. This could make your other child feel excluded, especially if they are close in age. With a family bed, no one is going to feel excluded.

You can still put the kids to bed in different rooms but have the family bed available for everyone and sleep together most of the night.

Sometimes babies cry so it is important that you have another comfortable place in the house to comfort the baby if they are loud and disrupting the other child’s sleep.

This part was the part that I was most scared of when I had my second. I thought for sure he was going to wake my oldest up, just when we had managed to make him sleep through the night without any help from us.

For the first few months, we had two sleeping rooms. I slept with the baby for the first couple hours of the night and my husband and oldest slept together in the family bed. Then at some point, we went to bed with them.

Gradually, this happened earlier and earlier until we just needed one sleeping space. A sound machine will also help everyone sleep through some noise.

No more bedtime struggles

You can use the family bed to make going to sleep something they want to do.

There sure is something your kids love doing with you that you could include in your sleep routine. Do that in bed and they will love to go instead of having to fight every night to have them go to their room. In my family, we all read books together and then I nurse them to sleep.

They go to sleep with company and aren’t afraid of waking up alone because they know we will be there.

Family bed sharing saves space

A two-bedroom house may seem very small to a family where all kids are supposed to sleep in their own room. For a family that sleeps in a family bed, that is an extra room that could become a playroom or an office if you work from home.

Here is how to make a 2 bedroom work for a family of 5.

Family bed sharing saves money

Extra rooms make rent and buying prices much more expensive. Rent and mortgages are likely the biggest monthly payment for the majority of families. If your kids are small and everyone wants to sleep together in the same room, why not? You can spend the extra money on great vacations or save it for when you do need a bigger space.

It’s everyone’s home

We usually live in a two-bedroom apartment. We say sleeping room and playing room instead of the adults’ bedroom and the children’s bedroom. We are temporarily living in a space with three rooms: sleeping, playing, and working. Everyone is allowed anywhere in the house, and each space has a different purpose. I find this more practical than having a designated space for each individual.

HOW to co-sleep and bed-share in a family bed?

Different ways to co-sleep

For co-sleeping when the baby is very small, a good solution is a portable bassinet next to the adults’ bed or a bedside sleeper attached to your bed. When a little bigger, you can use a half crib or a convertible like this one that can become a bed for your toddler. You should always check if a sleeping product you buy is safe.

For bed-sharing, you can have a big bed that has enough room for everyone, have the baby between a wall and the breastfeeding mom, and the older kids as far as possible from the baby. Use bed rails if there is somewhere the baby can fall, and make sure it doesn’t leave any room for the baby to get trapped.

Bed time routine for bed-sharing in a family bed

Here is an example of our family bed-sharing routine with a toddler and a baby with two parents available:

7:00 • The family has dinner together.

7:30 • Kids get their clean diapers and pajamas, brush teeth and wash hands.

7:40 • Everyone reads books together in bed. The older sibling can read a book to the youngest too.

7:50 • One parent stays with the older kid in bed until he falls asleep. The other parent stays with the youngest in another room. This is a good time to bond with the younger. The baby can be carried or fed to sleep or stay awake if he is a quiet baby.

8:00 • Older kid falls asleep. Younger goes to bed. If he is quiet, he can fall asleep in bed too. If not, bring them to bed already asleep.

8:15 • The two kids are asleep and we are free for the evening. We use a baby monitor to make sure the baby is safe, as it is not a good idea for a baby to sleep with a toddler unsupervised.

11:00 • We go to bed. There has to be at least an adult between the baby and the toddler.

When it is just me, I breastfeed them both to sleep. A just has a couple of minutes, turns around and falls asleep. V falls asleep in the boob.

Tandem breastfeeding a toddler and a newborn to sleep sounds difficult, but it can be easy too.

When should I stop bed-sharing?

The answer is short: when someone in the family isn’t happy with the sleeping situation anymore.

Children will naturally want more privacy as they grow, and they will probably want to have their own room as they approach puberty.

Someone might snore. Someone may decide that they want a room to sleep in when they want to sleep alone but they also want the possibility to come to the family bed.

The truth is that you are the ones that make the rules in your family. Making decisions based on what other people do is never a good idea. So, start and stop bed-sharing whenever you want, and make sure you do it safely.

Marriage/partnership when sleeping in a family bed

If you are not careful, your relationship with your partner can be put on the back burner.

This happens to every couple when they have small kids, but I think it is easier if you all sleep in a family bed. While your relationship is really important and should not be your last priority, there are ways in which you can both sleep with your kids and be intimate with your partner.

First, you should try to help your kids be by themselves in bed for the first hours of the night. There will be an appropriate time for that. It will not be during the first months, but it will be possible if you encourage them.

The only way to do that is to try. Put them asleep in bed and leave them until one of them needs help staying asleep. Faster than you think you will get a couple of hours to enjoy baby freedom.

Make sure that you use some of that time to connect with your partner. You’ll probably have some housework to do, but if you focus and do it quickly you’ll have more time to yourself.